short note: i think i am oversensitive to people thoughts and feelings. i should reaaally lower my expectations for everything.
come on! of all thing i got my head/brain in dead mode. im feeling like crap now because of this constant headache since last week. THAT. NEVER. GOES. AWAY. not only that it feels like I'm walking on Titanic all day and now I'm getting 'sea' sick. Gah! WHY?
sorry about that, but all for a good reason. seriously.
I've been through 2 months of totally unnecessary time. 2 months of mental and physical training that i could have done with if i have the discipline to do so before. 2 months which wished i could get it over with quickly. 2 months that i hate and 2 months that miss the most.
How funny life is when one moment you can hate, despise and abhor something and the next you'll come to love it, miss it and wish you could get back to it. Its like we or rather I, never learn how to appreciate or enjoy things.
Maybe its in our nature to live in the yesterday and to go for tomorrow but never to be right here and now. To be in the present and stay uprooted and go through day by day not wishing for tomorrow not wanting for yesterday but slowly and enjoying here and now. But that sounds very impossible.
Right now all i want is to be back in my primary school years and decide to leap a year. To be back in my secondary school and open up my eyes and heart and experience what i missed. To be back to that moment and choose to go on and pursue higher studies. To finish off this 2 years. To be done with this 6 months. but not one moment to enjoy this moment.
is it just me? or is this a norm?
i have no answer to that. But even if i put all my energy to it, I will look forward for tomorrow. Not because today is horrible, or yesterday was bliss, but because tomorrow is my mom birthday! oh shit, that's today!
found this song by this morning. very simple song with very deep meaning.
rachael yamagata - elephant elephant... teeth sinking into heart (2008)
If the elephants have past lives, Yet are destined to always remember, It's no wonder how they scream, Like you and I, they must have some temper.
And I am dreaming of them on the plains, Dirtying up their beds, Watching for some kind of rain To cool their hot heads.
And how dare that you send me that card When I'm doing all that I can do. You are forcing me to remember When all I want is to just forget you.
If the tiger shall protect her young, Then tell me how did you slip by. All my instincts have failed me for once I must have somehow slept the whole night.
And I am dreaming of them with their kill, Tearing it all apart, Blood dripping from their lips, And teeth sinking in to heart.
And how dare that you say you will call, When you know I need some peace of mind.. If you had to take sides with the animals, Won't you do it with one who is kind?
If the hawks in the trees need the dead, If you're living you don't stand a chance. For a time, though you share the same bed, There are only two ends to this dance.
You can flee with your wounds just in time, Or lie there as he feeds, Watching yourself ripped to shreds And laughing as you bleed.
So for those of you falling in love, Keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right. Throw yourself in the midst of danger, But keep one eye open at night.
