short note: i have a bad habit of breaking promises i made to myself.

blogging is so out of the window now :D
but that does not mean that this blog gonna die. oh no. nah uh.

that aside, i noticed that i am doing alot of things that i swear i will never do. over-spend, over-eat and overly-lazy (haha). that is like the recipe to being fat in no time. seriously, there was once a time when i only consume one fast food meal per year, now i'm craving them ever other day or so. worse, i even consider them as my meal now!

over-consumtion is something that goes hand in hand with city life. back then i had everything fed into me and i can exercise more control over what i eat. now, freedom really is what it implies. im free to eat what i want and control is the last thing on my mind.

i wish i have the patience to do grocery shopping and cook my own food (not that i don't know how to do that). but thinking about it made me twice as hungry! and those food just cant come fast enough.

what to do?
just call those delivery numbers lah

random thoughts: differences

short note: 2 more weeks.

Something that bothers me lately is how some people always have a certain expectation that everyone has the same mind set and ability as themselves. These so called 'perfect people' imagine a world that orbits by a set of rules set by a standard that is to others unrealistic and uneducated, a world with the standard of Hollywood movies and/or reality television.

For example those with higher education will (sometimes if not always) look down on those that fail to pursue higher education. They scorn what these people do and laugh at their ridiculous-ness and failure to conform to social norm. I am not excluded from such thoughts but i am often reminded that not many of us are fortunate enough to go far, or fortunate enough to have the necessary materials to stand to the same standard that the world expects them to be in. They are not a misfit fit to be ridiculed.

Observing and listening has led me to the conclusion that we human are not equal to one another; contrary to what we were led to believe. We do not have the same ability nor the same intelligence level from the moment of birth. There are just too many variables that can change the development of our mind from even before we were born. To expect all of us to act the same way is nothing but a wishful thought.

Our differences is what made us special. A world filled with strength and weaknesses that counterbalance one another is what bond us together as one. I learn some very interesting things from people that I do not understand. People that do not conform to social norm, those that rebel and the eccentric ones, people who are pushed down by society. These people have interesting insight on how the world revolve. Not some wishful utopia that most of us wish to live in but the cruel reality that we won't except. And what puzzle me the most is they are usually more contented with the world than most.



It is like waiting for the world to change, when it is up to oneself to change the world.

empowerment

short note: senior bar w00t!

Empowerment is something that escapes me few years ago. Its difficult for me to grapple with the fact that we want to do something challenging, something that puts us in dangerous situation; dare-deviling in the extream. Until recently.

I realised that empowerment is something very crucial in the development of an individual. Static routine that most of us are accustomed to in work and studies does sounds appealing, where you don't have to meet the unknown and only work with things that you are very familiar with, but routine does one thing to the mind; it dulls them.

I think the primary reason why most people hated their work is the lack of empowerment. I experienced it before, doing the same thing over and over again even with variation in the schedule does irritate me. I asked that maybe its the lack of challenge in the work that I do, but that is certainly out of the question. Then I ask whether it is the people that I'm working with, tempting as that sound, it doesn't really pin point the problem.

Then a few weeks ago I read an article about "putting the fun back in your work life" so to speak, and there came my answer. Boredom is unnecessarily about lack of challenge or bad colleague, it has something to do with lack of responsibility and accountability in your line of work. Take for example, putting your job on the line 24/7 does make you work more vigilantly compared to taking safe 'routes'.

So with empowerment you put yourself and your job more and more on the line. One slip and there it goes. Challenge wise maybe not so, but the implication of a mistake, of a slip is what make it more worth it. Being a leader, taking a responsibility, doing illicit dealings thats what makes a life more so to speak exciting.

darnation.

short note: wasted, bummed and annoyed

its not normal that you dream losing 3 things that you love in one night. and it certainly bumming waking up with an answer that puzzled the heck out of you. and tell me that it doesn't make you mad when someone tell you to do something when you really dont feel like it! Argh damn it...

Sometimes somethings should be left alone. Sometimes human intervention just sucks. Sometimes... well sometimes...

so anyway, im in the mood of screaming at anyone who annoys me for the whole week D:
on the bright side its HTA week.



on the not so bright side im labelled.

Home

short note: 3 things i hate about life. 1st its random. 2nd its waaaay too random. 3rd its f--king RANDOM! wait that's only one thing.

This will probably be the last time I'll be in JB till around September or so. (even then its not confirmed). Why? I don't have the reason to be back here anymore. I remember that the only reason I came back was to use the internet (sad fact) but now internet feel kinda empty to me. I just cant find a way to use it anymore. Then there were those personal matters that I need to settle. And I just settled the last one last Friday. So what else is there for me?

Give me a reason to be back home again. Because if home is where your heart is, I lost mine.

this and that

short note: still i have two. what i need now is one constant.

just reached home from a 9 days training in Sabah under Outward Bound Sabah.
Had fun and discovered a lot of things about myself. Will post the journals here soon :D

now going for 5 click run to tiara club to play badminton. Im still waaay too weak to go on :( i cant believe out of 43 people only 12 left standing afterward. now im scared but I want to be the one standing. Always.

Jaa ne.
Wish me luck :)

It fucking hurts.
Wonder if I would still be alive when I gorge it out.
No, I hope not.

random thoughts

short note: i think i am oversensitive to people thoughts and feelings. i should reaaally lower my expectations for everything.

come on!
of all thing i got my head/brain in dead mode. im feeling like crap now because of this constant headache since last week. THAT. NEVER. GOES. AWAY. not only that it feels like I'm walking on Titanic all day and now I'm getting 'sea' sick. Gah! WHY?

im signing off too puke.

today is the...

short note: gah, i never update!

sorry about that, but all for a good reason. seriously.

I've been through 2 months of totally unnecessary time. 2 months of mental and physical training that i could have done with if i have the discipline to do so before. 2 months which wished i could get it over with quickly. 2 months that i hate and 2 months that miss the most.

How funny life is when one moment you can hate, despise and abhor something and the next you'll come to love it, miss it and wish you could get back to it. Its like we or rather I, never learn how to appreciate or enjoy things.

Maybe its in our nature to live in the yesterday and to go for tomorrow but never to be right here and now. To be in the present and stay uprooted and go through day by day not wishing for tomorrow not wanting for yesterday but slowly and enjoying here and now. But that sounds very impossible.

Right now all i want is to be back in my primary school years and decide to leap a year. To be back in my secondary school and open up my eyes and heart and experience what i missed. To be back to that moment and choose to go on and pursue higher studies. To finish off this 2 years. To be done with this 6 months. but not one moment to enjoy this moment.

is it just me?
or is this a norm?

i have no answer to that. But even if i put all my energy to it, I will look forward for tomorrow. Not because today is horrible, or yesterday was bliss, but because tomorrow is my mom birthday! oh shit, that's today!

elephant.

short note: foundation.

found this song by this morning.
very simple song with very deep meaning.

rachael yamagata - elephant
elephant... teeth sinking into heart (2008)




If the elephants have past lives,
Yet are destined to always remember,
It's no wonder how they scream,
Like you and I, they must have some temper.

And I am dreaming of them on the plains,
Dirtying up their beds,
Watching for some kind of rain
To cool their hot heads.

And how dare that you send me that card
When I'm doing all that I can do.
You are forcing me to remember
When all I want is to just forget you.

If the tiger shall protect her young,
Then tell me how did you slip by.
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night.

And I am dreaming of them with their kill,
Tearing it all apart,
Blood dripping from their lips,
And teeth sinking in to heart.

And how dare that you say you will call,
When you know I need some peace of mind..
If you had to take sides with the animals,
Won't you do it with one who is kind?

If the hawks in the trees need the dead,
If you're living you don't stand a chance.
For a time, though you share the same bed,
There are only two ends to this dance.

You can flee with your wounds just in time,
Or lie there as he feeds,
Watching yourself ripped to shreds
And laughing as you bleed.

So for those of you falling in love,
Keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right.
Throw yourself in the midst of danger,
But keep one eye open at night.

lyrics from
azlyrics.com

Sarah and Gifts

short note: i guess we are just going with the flow. without a clue in our head. silly.

I finally managed to restore Sarah back to her original state save for a few 'unexplainable' scratches and dents on her back. Alright i might have dropped/knocked her once or twice by accident but, honestly, i don't know how she got those horrible scratches. I love her but accidents do happen, eh?

I did all the restoration process my self and i am very proud of the result :) in fact except for loud sounding G-string, which i cant explain why, i think she sounds better now. she smells wonderful and feels so smooth and silky. Cool to the touch yet warm in the tone. pardon me.

---

i just realised that i do not have any emotional attachment to any gift that i received. I don't think i ever put a thought into them although its different when im giving things. I do try though. I tried to love the things that i got but i just can't. Its like loving someone you don't like. It's tiring and full of lies.

Maybe its the same with everyone else. maybe when someone received something from others they will be happy with it for awhile (just to be polite, perhaps) then the feeling will subside and it will just end up on their shelve to collect dust. Maybe im just looking too hard at something so stupid. Its just that i don't want to think of the other possibility. That i am incapable of love. LOL. that sure is depressing.

i thought of writing more but it will be unrelated and too long. some other time then. if i can still remember :)

buix.

meet ryn-chan :)

short note: urgh nooo. dan.. dr.. rawrf

i went to guitar heaven and back
with a baby!

went to excelsior shopping centre on tues. It's an old place but you can't believe how many music stores packed into it. I think i passed at least 13 of them. or more. must be more. I lost count when i saw the number of guitars on display. and its not small stores, mind you.

Its a rarity to find more than one music store in a shopping center. Let alone 13+ of them. And some of these are really hugee stores with racks upon racks of stuffs. Heavenly. And the price is really reasonable too. I got my guitar (yamaha f-310, yeah i rant about it before) for $208 (approx. rm495) + set up, lower than the prices that i checked here. plus, think i saw D'addario strings for only 7/9 bucks(RM14/18) compared to 24+ here. sales competition is good eh?

(do tell me you can find cheaper price for it)

i don't know what got over me. I didn't think much when it got it and just went for it xD lately i did everything on a whim. less brain work. which is good; or bad haha.
--

i see that, i haven't written a long blog post for awhile. might try to do that soon.
btw, YUI's muffler out on YOUTUBE.
for some reason i don't really like it.
its more like YUI's personal story in a song. It lacks of hooks and sadly, forgettable. but still, i wish there's live performance. though 99.9999999% i wont be able to attend it xD

GLORIA/ALWAYS

short note: Happy New Year!!

Happy New Year World ;D
09 was a difficult year. Terrible things happened even from the beginning of the year.
So, lets hope for a better year ahead. A new decade, a new beginning. Of sort.

---

Lets start the year with:



GLORIA!!!
while its still available.
It seems SONY is busy protecting YUI image online. Even as far as censoring her unofficial pictures. Such pain.

AND AND



MIKA NAKASHIMA - ALWAYS!
shes back to the ORION/FOCUS genre!
I think she has a very nice sad/dark voice that pierce through your heart when you listen to her ballads. She should stick to ballad ;D