Self Reflection

this is a post after i read my old blog posts.


Thinking back I wasn't like this. I was queerer by all standard. In fact I was so queer I don't fit in in most places. I would hover around from one group to another collecting whats important to me as I went along. No regards for others. Only me and my business. Nothing else matters. That was who I was before.

Back then I don't have much care for companionship. I was a lone wolf. Me myself and my shadow was my motto. I was afraid to be close to anyone and shy away from any possible threat. I still remember why. I was so afraid of losing those who are dear to me that I don't want anyone to be one. But the truth is I crave them.

I need to talk to someone all the time. But none understand me. I was in a standard of my own when was growing up. I lack of all those things that boys used to play with. I have no PlayStation, Cable nor Computer Games which were and are the topics frequented in boy's conversation. I sucked in sports and aced my test all time. Which is not a healthy mix. So i grew up with friends enough to count with my 10 fingers. And I lost them one by one.

Maybe it was my fault somewhere but most of those who were close to me will move on after a year. I mean really move on to other places. And we always lost contact. By the end of of primary year I lost contact with everyone I was close to. I start to think that maybe i should not be close to anyone lest they move away from me. 'I am a curse.'

That was who I was. And now I think I ought to stay that way. Meeting you changed everything. Somehow you understand or pretend to. But I don't really care. I was comfortable with you, happy in fact. But my mouth run faster than my brain. I have no idea what should I do now. I have no idea how to mend it. I can't take back what i said.

Its been a year you know. I think things still stay the same huh? I still carry a curse.

The question now is should I revert back or stay the way I am?
I know the answer to that myself.



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Being close to somebody is drug to me. I got attached to someone easily. And when I am close to the drug I am stupid. When I'm drugged I got stupider. When I'm trying to get rid of the drug I'm stupidest. When I run out of drug. I will be stupidier. After I'm clear of it I will have a hangover and I'll be stupider than the stupidest. bottomline that drug render me stupid. BUT THE PROBLEM IS I LOVE THAT DRUG! xD